A sinner (a criminal that is due divine justice) can never deserve free forgiveness, that can never be. All your digging will only dig your own grave, that is, all you will do by your self-righteous efforts is help damn your soul to Hell. Put down your shovel - Grace, pardon and Heaven is for the asking. Today Christ Jesus Himself is to be had, today all your soul needs is to be had, and to be had for nothing, to be had for the asking and for receiving. Divine mercy is to be had - to be had now at the Cross.
Only open your empty hand and take Eternal Life freely, that is all Jesus asks of you, to believingly receive what God freely bestows on the ungodly. Simply believe and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. Self-righteous man thinks he must do something, he must be something, he must in some way prepare himself for the mercy of God. But Heaven is only given away, not earned by human merit. Free pardon is to be had for the asking. Will you ask Jesus for it? Ask, seek, knock. God gives Christ to all who trust to His blood and merits. God delights to give needy sinners the greatest blessings if you will simply come to Him by Christ Jesus. Simply trust Christ's merits, and when that is done, all is done forever.
There used to be an old cat that sat on a man's table, and every day that the man of the house would go to work, he would rub that cat, but the old cat was turned the wrong way, so the cat would be rubbed backwards. This would be make the old cat really mad, and he would hiss at his master on the way out the door. The old cat finally realized if he would just turn around and lay the other way, when his master rubbed him on the way out the door, it wouldn't upset him, but be a blessing.
This is the case with us sinners, until we turn to Christ Jesus, God's hand (The Holy Spirit) will never be pleasant to us. The dirtiest thought you'll ever have is about yourself. Never think about yourself in a selfish way; people today are overly self-conscious, but they are not Christ-conscious. The proudest thought to ever pass through your mind is self-esteem. The very moment you start esteeming yourself, you have forgotten to esteem Christ Jesus, which is a crime. We should never use our little brain and limited mental faculties that God gave us to think highly of any sinner, especially ourselves. Think very highly of the Lord Jesus Christ (who He is, what He has done for you, and what He is going to do for you), and Joy will surely follow.
You cannot earn Christ, He will only be given to you. Confess your sins contritely, look up to Christ believingly, seek His Salvation through His sinless Blood that was shed for His enemies. Instantaneous, irreversible mercy is freely given by grace to the worst and best of sinners. You can never impress God. Jesus is the Friend of sinners, but He will never be the friend of sin. God's way of saving sinners is by His Grace, not by your merits; by the blood of Jesus and power of the Holy Ghost, not by self-righteousness and water baptism. God will freely justify your soul by simply trusting Jesus now. A sinner is completely saved the moment he believes in Jesus.
Submission to Christ's Righteousness is the essence of Salvation. Your works can never win Christ. If you attempt to mix the Law with the Gospel, self with Christ, or human merit with divine mercy, you are doomed. Christ is the Savior, not you. Lean all your weight on Him, repose your entire soul on His Blood. Humbly ask the Lord Jesus for repentance and pardon. Don't claim anything, ask of Him importunately, seek Him believingly. Your soul has fallen on hard times, and you need a heavenly Handout, divine Charity from the King of glory. Trust to the crucified, risen, living Christ of God wholly, only, sincerely, implicitly.
All that you may have done to help save yourself must be undone. Your righteousness is like a house that has been built on sand and is out of plumb, and it must be completely torn down, and rebuilt on a solid, true Foundation. Your soul's only Hope lies in Jesus' Blood. Ask Him now for Mercy. Your very soul is now at stake. There is a world to come, you will not die like a dog, there is a Judgment to come, you will have to stand before your Maker and give account of all your private and public life. Everlasting life or everlasting punishment? It's your choice. You may have everything on the outside, but inside you have nothing without Jesus, you are lonely and lost. Reality and Eternity is stalking your thoughts; guilt is pricking your conscience. Self-salvation is man's way to heaven; religionists live to merit heaven somehow - but this sends them straight to Hell. Proud human nature would love to do something to win Christ. Be wise now - Come to Jesus as a destitute beggar.
The all-important thing is the Atoning Blood of Jesus. The sense of sinnership is your only title to Heavenly Mercy. Abject spiritual poverty is your only claim on Heaven's eternal riches from the hand of Jesus Christ. Nakedness will gain you access to Heaven's Wardrobe; Hunger will gain you access to the King's Table and the Bread of Life. Your sins can never merit anything but punishment and wrath, and remember, Repentance is a gift from God, and it is not an atonement for your sins. If you neglect to trust your soul with Christ Jesus, it will be an enormous and fatal mistake for you. Trusting Christ and letting Him operate on you is inconvenient and uncomfortable (like open-heart surgery), but His operation will help you and give you everlasting life.
Your main problem is that you love sin. Never trust your heart, only trust God's heart. The Life is for the dead, the Way is for the lost, the Truth is for the confused, Sight is for the blind, Liberty is for the captives, Cleansing is for the filthy, Forgiveness is for the guilty, and Mercy is for the miserable. The idea of working for and deserving something is ingrained in human nature; the human heart is innately self-righteous. No one can merit Christ Jesus, the King of glory; that idea is ridiculous, profane, absurd and blasphemous.
The Holy Spirit must first make you destitute and bankrupt as to personal merit. Sinners need free forgiveness, unmerited mercy and boundless love. No man can know when he has performed quite enough works to save him, therefore it is safest to trust only to the merits of Jesus Christ. For all of your works are defiled and polluted in motive, spirit, or by proud reflections afterwards. Come and Rest entirely upon the merits of Christ's Blood alone and find eternal life. Rest on the infinite merits of the Atoning Sacrifice of God's dear Son. Stop straightening the furniture in a burning house, forsake your own righteousness, and flee to Christ for Safety. Eternal Life is now yours for the asking at the foot of the Cross.
Stop worrying so much about tidying up the Lifeboat while sinners are drowning all around you. We should trust Christ, love God, and then prove the sincerity of our love by doing what He tells us to do. Have you no wish for others to be saved? If not, then you are not saved yourself, be sure of that.